Ally like a rockstar

A few weeks ago, on a non-descript Friday evening, my husband (Karl) and I walked down to the community watering hole, where our son works as a pizza maker (follow me for the latest, greatest pizza pranks and other teenage shenanigans). I was feeling feisty and set out to engage anyone and everyone on my current favorite debate topic… ‘Is curling a sport?’  Spoiler alert: the correct answer is ‘no’.  I do know my DM is about to blow up – so be it. 

The bar manager, John, greeted us and took our order.   I requested a glass of big, bold, angry red wine and then said to John, “Hey John, is curling a sport?” He said, “Yes.”  Dammit.

A stranger sat down next to me. I turned to him and asked:

 “What’s your name?”

“Dan.” 

“Dan, is curling a sport?” 

“Yes.” 

“No, no, no, NO, Dan, help me out here! Okay, why do you think curling is a sport?”  Dan presented his argument.  We chatted.  Dan eventually departed, and two new guys pulled up to the bar. I turned to the first man and asked again:

“What’s your name?” 

“Bob”

“Bob – is curling a sport?” 

“Yes.”

Oh geez, Bob!  Ughh

Bob, John, my husband, and I dove into a friendly conversation, and soon enough, the bar was awash with debate over when an activity is a sport vs. a game.   It was fun Friday night, in a small-town sort of way.  As the debate raged, I was increasingly edged out.  I was trying to make a point, but John and Bob were taking up all the talk time, and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. On one hand – glad to have evoked such passion, on the other hand – hellllooooooooooo…. 

Bob’s friend silently nursed his beer.  Sporting a full beard and a beanie, he stared deeply into his amber-filled glass.  And then, in the middle of the hijacked conversation, he spoke for the first time:  

“You know she is trying to say something, right?”

I was shocked.  SHOCKED.   The other men fell silent, and the floor was mine.  Instead of launching back into the debate, I looked at him and said with delight, “Hey, you are an ally!  Thank you so much, Ally! I appreciate you.” And then I said, “Hey, Ally – is curling a sport?”   Bob whispered to me, “His name is Ben,” so I corrected myself, “Hey, Ally Ben – is curling a sport?”  and he said, “Yes.” 

Win a few, lose a few. 

Last call rang out (don’t think too highly of my ability to shut down a bar, again – it’s a small town and last call is at 9).  We were all saying goodbye, and I approached Ally Ben, gave him a hug, and said, “Seriously, I just wanted to thank you again for creating space for me”.  He chuckled and said ‘Fucking Bob, he just won’t shut up, thinks he knows everything.”

Here is the kicker: After my husband started walking home, Karl laughed and said, “Do you know who that was?”  I said, “Who?  Talky Bob or Ally Ben?”  Karl replied, “Ally Ben.”  I demurred, “No clue.” 

Karl said, "That is Ben Shepherd.  Bassist/songwriter for Soundgarden.”

I laughed the whole way home.  Moral of the story?  In a world full of lame, talk-blocking Bob’s - Be a rockstar Ally-Ben. 

Not Fun facts about talk blocking:

·       Men interrupt 33% more often when speaking with women than when speaking with male colleagues.

·       In an array of business settings, men are responsible for 67.8 % of interruptions, with 71.8% of those occurring when women are speaking. 

·       Male justices on the Supreme Court interrupt 96% of the time; a staggering 65.9% of interruptions are directed at female justices.

What are a few things you can do as an ally to create space for others? We got you:

·       Practice redirecting the floor to someone who has been interrupted, or invite input from someone who has been quiet. “Bob, I would like to hear your thoughts, but first, Ann was really onto something. I’d like to hear the rest of what she has to say.” Or “Sarah, what do you think?”

·       Pick a conversation and try to contribute solely through asking thoughtful questions.

·       Implement meeting guidelines, such as structured speaking turns or a ‘no interruptions’ rule, to create a balanced platform. Consider tracking interruptions and the distribution of speaking time to gain real insight into team dynamics (look for an app to help formalize this).

·       Praise someone (privately, but publicly would be awesome) who redirects attention to an interrupted colleague or encourages quieter voices in a meeting.

More tips, tricks, and tools (and a few good stories) at www.ayellowcard.com

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